Emotional Blackmail
To emotionally blackmail someone means that they will appeal to your emotions to influence your actions or change your perspective.
In 1997, Dr. Susan, a therapist, author, and lecturer, wrote a book titled: Emotional Blackmail, which explained the concept’s meaning in detail. “Emotional Blackmail is when the People in or around Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You” She introduced the concept of emotional blackmail by using case studies to understand better how to overcome this type of manipulation.
Erika Myers, a therapist based in Bend, Oregon, explained emotional blackmail as being subtle and insidious. It’s an act that might appear as withholding of affection, expression of disappointment, or even a slight shift in body language,” she says.
The mechanism of emotional blackmail, and how it functions
Emotional blackmail, like traditional blackmail, is a form of coercion used to coerce a desired response. However, rather than using their knowledge of your secrets or soft spots against you, the exploiter plays on your vulnerabilities by exploiting your feelings.
Six stages of Emotional Blackmail
- Demand
To begin the process of emotional blackmail, one must make a demand.
You could hear something like, “I don’t believe you should hang out with so-and-so anymore.”
Such a friend could play down the significance by saying something like “You know that friend: they always act down and speak sarcastically when you see them.” However, when You inquire as to their distress, and he respond, “I don’t like the way they stare at me.” In my opinion, such a friend is harmful to your health.
A person who emotionally blackmail you secretly demands something of you, but they’ll say they want what’s best for you. However, this is still an effort to influence who you choose to be friends with or what you do.
- Resistance
People who practice emotional blackmail will likely exert pressure if you refuse to comply with their demands.
Simply stating, “I’m not comfortable letting you drive my car because you’re not insured” is a way of stating your reason why you do not want your partner to drive your car. But if you’re concerned about their reaction, you can quietly refuse by saying things like:
“The car ran out of gas because I “forgot” to fill it up”, “I forgot to secure my keys”, or you might keep silent and pray he forgets about you.
- Pressure
In a happy and healthy friendship, each partner expresses their wants and needs to the other. Usually, when one partner encounters resistance in a relationship, the other either backs down or makes an effort to work things out.
A blackmailer will use any means necessary to get what they want from you, which could include the following:
- repetition of their demand couched in terms that enhance their credibility (e.g., “I’m only thinking of our future”).
- elaborating on the detrimental effects your resistance has on them
- the use of phrases like “If you loved me, you’d do it”
- putting you down or offering criticism
- Threats
Direct or indirect threats can both be used in emotional blackmail.
A blackmailer might express a direct and immediate negative effect of your resistance to their demand on you. Saying something like, “I won’t be here when you get back if you go out with your friends tonight.”
He might also speak of a Possibility of harm, but not directly. He might say things like, “If you can’t be here with me tonight, when I really need you, maybe someone else can.”
They may say something like, “I am sure we’ll have a much better time together than you’d have going out, our connection depends on this.” This is meant to sound like a promise but is actually a threat..
They are trying to manipulate you even though this might seem like much of a threat. They don’t come out and say it, but they hint that continuing to resist won’t do anything positive for your relationship.
- Compliance
You give up and cave in because you obviously don’t want them to follow through on their threats. You may begin to question whether or not your refusal of their “request” was justified.
Eventually giving in to the pressure and threats can be the best option, but it’s possible that compliance will be a long and arduous process. When you finally cave in, the storm will pass. Since they now have what they wanted, they may appear exceptionally compassionate and caring.
- Repetition
If the other player sees that you are willing to give in, they will be able to anticipate your moves in future encounters. Its easy to give in to your manipulator especially when you are going through tough times and you needed some love. But, you need to know that when you give in the first time, then there are more chances that you will give in the next time.
Emotional blackmail has a cumulative effect, making it simpler to give in than to resist mounting pressure and threats. It’s possible you’ll learn to accept the fact that they’ll withhold their love until you give in to their demands.
They may discover that a specific threatening tactic is more effective than others in getting results quickly. The current trend is, therefore, likely to persist.
The Bottom line
Whenever you experience emotional blackmail, do resolve into giving in quickly, you can learn how to overcome emotional blackmail and have a healthy relationship.
